Author: Pam

Every year, young men in seminary formation  come to the realization that priesthood is not their vocation.  If you don’t have a clear understanding of the discernment process or the nature of a vocation, you might see this is a failure.  Your son has spent all this time and effort on the road of discernment and then he decides to leave seminary.

The reality for a man who discerns out of seminary is very different.   First, this decision has been reached after a great deal of discussion  with his spiritual director and other formators at the seminary.  He has spent many hours in thought and prayer on this topic. Once the thought of discerning out of seminary is on the table, men do not pack their bags the same day.  I have read blogs and spoken to seminarians who told me that when serious questions arose, they were counseled to give the decision a little more time, prayer and counsel before making a final decision.  Over time, some discerned out, while others chose to continue their discernment.

If he is in college seminary, he may choose stay until the end of the semester to earn the academic credits.  Since the  seminary is an accredited program to grant a degree, the course credit can be transferred to another college.

When a man enters seminary, it is with the question, “Is God calling me to be a priest?” When a man discerns out,  he has determined that his true vocation is not priesthood.  He has come to understand that God is calling him to a different vocation.  It is NOT that he has decided, “I guess I don’t want to be a priest anymore.”

Although other seminarians may be dissappointed to see him go, they are genuinely glad that he has made this decision.   Remember, every seminarian is actively discerning if he is called to be a priest.  The man who discerns out can leave with the knowledge that he has given this question adequate time, prayer and counsel and will not need to wonder if he really should have been a priest.

Discerning out is actually a positive decision, not a negative one.  This is a real “win” for
the Catholic Church in the long run.  The church now has a man who has been given years of spiritual direction and seminary education in philosophy and theology.  He has served those in need as part of his seminary education.   He has developed relationships with other men who take their faith seriously that can last throughout his life.

It is easy to see how a priest serves the church, but this man will be able to serve the church and his community in ways a priest could never do. How?

• Living out the sacrament of marriage faithfully if he is called to marriage
• Acting as the spiritual leader of  his family
• Raising his children in the faith
• Supporting charities with his time, talent and treasure

Day after day, he will go places and do things that a priest cannot.  He will be able to live and share his faith in ways a priest cannot.

A priest easily stands out in a crowd and is recognized by believers and non-believers

A man  can choose to stand out and live his faith in a thousand places and ways on a daily basis to believers and non-believers.  How?

While he is busy making a living, supporting and nurturing his family,  he chooses what kind of  jokes to join in on and his attitude toward women in general and his wife in particiular and how he treats people with disabilites.

He chooses how he acts in the locker room as well as his response at work when something “questionable” is proposed as a strategy to increase sales.

He chooses how he spends his free time, how he spends his money and what kinds of movies, books or entertainment he enjoys.

How blessed is the parish to have the man who discerned out of seminary as a member! He is well schooled to participate in the life of his parish. He may teach Religious Education to children, act as a sponsor in  RCIA, run for parish council, act as a lector or extraordinary minister, help run the Cub Scout pack or coach a sport.

Discerning out of seminary can be the best thing to happen to a young man as the opportunities only expand for him to live his faith and serve his family, his parish and his community.  Discerning out is one outcome of the discernment process which allows the man to serve in different ways which will have a powerful impact on others.

Please know that the authors of this blog pray daily for parents of discerning sons and daughters to find understanding and peace.

How do you measure happiness?

This post should appeal to those who are interested in hard data from reliable sources.  If your objection  arises from a belief that your son will not be happy as a priest, take a look at the current research published in:
Why Priests Are Happy: A Study  of the Psychological and Spiritual Health of Priests.  This book has been described as a “groundbreaking study…(which) finds that American priests enjoy an extraordinarily high rate of happiness and satisfaction, among the highest of any profession.”

This book presents the findings of survey research done in 2009 of 2,482 priests from 23 diocese in the US.  It is supplemented by a previous research study from 2004 of 1,242 priests from 16 dioceses. The focus of the study was the psychological and spiritual health of Catholic priests in the US.

Standardized pyschological tests and modern statistical analysis were used to compare priests to norm samples of the general population and then identify the elements which significantly contribute to happiness in priests.

A central finding of this study is the exraordinarily high rate of priestly happiness and satisfaction.  The findings are strong, replicable and consistent.  They like priesthood…are committed to it..and find much satisfaction in their lives and ministries.  The satisfaction of priests are among the highest of any way of life or vocation in the US.

The statement “Overall, I am happy as a priest” had a response of Stongly Agree or Agree by 90% of surveyed priests in 2004 and 92.4% in 2009.

Another central finding of the study was that the psychological health of priests tested slightly better than the laity on standardized tests for depression, anxiety and general psychological health.  Priests  reported high rates of close friendships with both other priests and with laity.

Factors Contributing to Priestly Happiness

Fourteen factors were found to be signifiant and account for almost 50% of what makes a happy priest.  The strongest predictor of priestly happiness was the priest’s own sense of inner peace and joy which was closely linked to their spiritual health.  To be a happy priest necessarily includes having a strong relationhip with God and daily nurturing that relationship with spiritual practices: celebrating the sacraments, private prayer, Liturgy of the Hours, rosary and spiritual reading. Personal celebration of the sacrament of Reconciliation and a relationship with a Spiritual Director also contribute to a healthy spiritual life.

Other factors which contribute to priestly happiness include a healthy view of celibacy, a positive relationship with the Bishop, having close friends (both priests and liaty), feeling supported by other priests, attending priest gatherings, family support of their vocation. making an annual retreat and a regular day off as well as vacation.  Each one of these factors is described and discussed in depth if you want to investigate these factors on a deeper level.

Lest you think the research outlined in this book is self serving
and slanted to show priesthood in a positive light, other social research backs up this study.   While researching this concept, I was surprised to find this very topic the subject of a homily by Fr. Jonathan Meyer  posted online titled “The Secret to a Happy Life”.  Click HERE  to watch the video. Fr. Meyer references a study conducted by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago on job satisfaction and overall happiness.   The findings demonstrate that clergy rank #1 in both these areas which is well above the #2 rank held by firefighters.

                      Job Satisfaction score               General Happiness score

Clergy                                        87.2                                                        67.2

Firefighters                             80.1                                                        57.2  

You can’t get much more secular than the University of Chicago and the National Opionion Research Center. The NORC regularly conducts social science research on job satisfaction and overall happiness by occupation.

It is important to understand that a Catholic priest is not an occupation, but a life.  It is not something you put on at 8am and take off at 5pm.  You can’t think of a priest as a job like an engineer or an accountant.  Just like being a parent is not an occupation, but your life….forever.. Do you ever stop being a parent?  From your child’s birth on into adulthood, you worry and care for your child in a thousand different ways that change over time.

If your son  discerns that he is called to be a priest, it will be something  he becomes and not just an occupation or career.  As a parent, this concept will take time, reflection and prayer to understand all the implications for you and your son.

Please know that the authors of this blog pray daily for parents of discerning sons and daughters to find understanding and peace.

If you have been following this series, you have seen  that the objections have been very specific. At first, I had many of these objections described in this series. When you can’t get resolution on one or more of these objections, it is easy to fall back on the granddaddy of them all: “But, I just want him to be happy!”  It is the biggest catch all for every objection rolled into one.  Even after addressing all your objections, you may still come down to this one broad, vague objection.

Ask a parent at any point in the life of their child, “What do you want for your child?” Wealth? A great career?  A happy marriage and children?

What have you said during your son’s life when this question arises?  “I just want him to be happy” is the common refrain. Well, now you have the opportunity to see if you really mean it.

Do you really want him to be happy or do you just want your idea of what happiness could be for him?   A wife and children?  A good job?  A nice house in a good neighbrohood? Whose happiness do you really want?   If your son’s true vocation is priesthood,  he will find the most happiness in this vocation.

Whether your son was deciding on a college or a major or a job, parents routinely make the “I just want him to be happy” statement…and really mean it.  If your son is discerning a religious vocation to priesthood, you will need to take another look at that sentiment.

Understanding the Nature of a Vocation

It helps to understand the concept of vocation to get some clarity on this broad objection. The blog post Everone Has 3 Vocations  has a brief video that explains this concept.

If your son is discerning a call to a priestly vocation, you need to come to a deeper understanding and appreciation of a few facts:

• The Father loves your son more than you do and wants him to be happy more than you do
• The Father created your son for a specific purpose and a specific vocation where he will find the most happiness and satisfaction

I admit,  these concepts took time for me to accept on a deeper level.  As a parent, I believed that I knew what was best for my son: go to college first and live in the “real” world before you go to seminary.  I didn’t want him to narrow his focus at such a young age in a “career” choice.  Since my son was only 17 when he started discerning, I was still feeling very protective and wanted to guide him as he entered college and began to explore his options.

What Do You Believe?

Do you believe that the Father loves your son more than you do?  Do you realize that the Father wants your son to be happy more than you do?  Then you need to trust the discernment process to determine if this is your son’s true vocation.  If your son discerns priesthood is not is true voacation, then he will “discern out” of seminary.  As previously discussed in the post Advantages of Going to Seminary or What is the Next Right Step?, your son  can best discern his vocation in the seminary.  You can only discern so far outside the seminary environment.

What Does Happiness Look Like in Seminary?

Have you gone to  see the seminary or met any seminarians in your diocese?  I am always struck by how happy seminarians look.  Once you get to know them, it is easy to see that they seem happy in a different way.  It is hard to describe but easy to see.  They are not happy because they passsed an exam  or spring break is coming.  Most priests describe their time in seminary as one of the happiest times of their lives.

If you are not convinced, visit the seminary, ask your vocation director to meet other seminarians or attend an event in your diocese where seminarians are present.  This kind of happiness is hard to describe, but plain to see.  I don’t know if even the seminarians can explain it.

If your son is attending seminary, step back and look at him.  Does he look happy and content or stressed and unhappy?  If he is the later, you can be assurred that his spiritual director and/or formation director in seminary will be addressing it.

Just as in the Objection series post I Will Never Have Grandchildren, you will need to reflect on your desire for your son to be “happy” and what that  means for you and for him.  Ask yourself: “Whose happiness do I really want?”  The honest answer to this question will guide you on this path of discernment with your son as you try to support and understand him.

Part 2: But I just want him to be happy… Coming Soon! 

If your objection  arises from a belief that your son will not be happy as a priest, take a look at the current research published in:

Why Priests Are Happy: A Study of the Psychological and Spiritual Health of Priests.  This book has been described as a “groundbreaking study…(which) finds that American priests enjoy an extraordinarily high rate of happiness and satisfaction, among the highest of any profession.”  I will post a part 2 to this objection to explore some of these findings soon.

Please know that the authors of this blog pray daily for parents of discerning sons and daughters to find understanding and peace.

Do  you feel alone sometimes while your son is on this path of discernment?  Hopefully, this blog is one way for you to see that you are not alone and that other parents have had the same concerns and worries, hopes and dreams for their son.  The first Meet the Parents  post on this blog was about taking advantage of any opportunities your diocese provides for parents to meet or attend other events like ordinations.

If the idea of a group of parents is too much, your vocation director can put you in touch with  1 or more parents that can address your individual concerns.  You will be surprised how “normal” the parents of seminarians can be.  The post Objection  Series:  “How could this happen in our family?  We aren’t the model Catholic family!”  can give you a preview of what other families of  seminarians  are like.

This post takes a different view of the experience of parents as they follow their son on his discernment/vocation journey.

This article appeared in the Catholic Sun, a newspaper for the diocese of Phoenix AZ in November 2015.

Priests’ Moms Find Peace Within Group

Carla Sperry never expected to be looked at as an expert in the Catholic faith. “Sometimes, even when my son was in the seminary, people would come up to me and say, ‘Oh, you’re the mother of a seminarian!’ and they would think that I would know so much about our religion.”

A growing group of moms is finding solidarity with other mothers who not only understand that, but ride the same roller coaster of emotions as their children further discern or live a religious vocation. Sperry, whose son — Fr. Scott Michael Sperry — was ordained to the priesthood last year, is part of this group of moms who cling to their rosaries and each other every first Saturday of the month.

The group doesn’t have a formal name, but its purpose is clear: to pray the Joyful Mysteries for their children discerning or living a religious vocation.

Rita Lee, a parishioner of St. Thomas the Apostle in Phoenix and the group’s founder, sits right in the middle of the group’s target audience. Her son, Dcn. Ryan Lee, is in his final year of discerning the priesthood and is living the vows of a deacon in that transition period. She learned during annual meetings of seminarian parents with the diocesan vocations director that some mothers felt sad about their sons’ calling, while others felt mad and many felt blessed.

“Fast forward a number of years and I guess the Holy Spirit finally spoke to me and gave me the grace to think that possibly we could come together as a group of mothers of seminarians, priests and religious, to pray specifically the rosary for our children,” Lee said.

The group currently consists of 30-35 members, who meet at a different parish each month, ensuring that no one has to consistently drive a long distance.

Anne Sanfilippo, a parishioner of St. Bernard of Clairvaux in Scottsdale, enjoys interacting with mothers of newly ordained priests and seminarians in the group. Her son, Fr. David Sanfilippo, has been a priest for 21 years and currently serves as the diocese’s Vicar of Priests.

“If they have any questions, it’s nice that they have somebody to fall back on … to say, ‘I’m feeling kind of sad and happy at the same time about the vocation. Did you feel that?’ And yes we did,” she said. “In our humanity, in our worldly thinking, we tend to think of it as a loss, but in the heavenly thinking, it’s truly, truly a blessing beyond words.”

Mothers who attend the meetings come to talk and laugh but mainly to pray. “We came together and we wanted to have our main focus be specifically on prayer, we didn’t want to be just another social group,” Lee said. “We pray the Rosary and we talk about problems, issues, challenges or graces that we or our children might have.”

Patty Bolding, co-organizer of the group, noted that the group meetings help ease her worries about her son, Fr. Robert Bolding, who serves as the President Rector of St. Mary’s High School.

“There’s nothing you can do for them, other than pray for them, so that’s probably what this group has been most rewarding for,” she said.

All mothers are welcome to join the group, Lee said, “Every mother whose son is a priest or seminarian anywhere in the world, any mom whose daughter is a consecrated religious, all are very welcome to join our group and we would love to have them.”

— By Lindsay Wantland

As part of the Objection Series, I did not think I would be writing specifically about celibacy, although it can be an objection for parents.  I referred to celibacy in the Objection Series post: He’s throwing his life away!  I  was surprised to hear “You mean, no sex? Ever?” as the  very first objection from a well meaning friend responding to the news that my son was entering college seminary.

Now, I won’t begin to claim I have any understanding of celibacy as a discipline of the priesthood. There are so many facets to celibacy: physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual.  I imagine it would take a long time to come to an understanding and appreciation of celibacy by the individual and even longer for their family.  It doesn’t help that the culture is so over sexualized from every direction, type of media and passing billboard.  It is almost impossible to get away from the culture’s slant on sexuality.

Perhaps understanding the concept of celibacy is like eating an elephant; you need to take it one bite at time.  So as part of a small bite of understanding, here is  a post from a seminarian related to the desires of the heart of every man and woman. He provides a glimpse at the evolving understanding of celibacy in this post from the blog:  Seminarian Casual

I had my life pointing in that direction: I was set to make a lot of money as an engineer and I had the gorgeous girlfriend, what more can the world offer?

I think that was the mindset of a guy I met this summer who asked me “Why do you want to be a priest? Do you like public speaking?”I went into shock and I wasn’t sure why.  At this point I had been thinking about that question for years—throughout high school, at college, and now for a whole year at seminary. I’ve even given my vocation story countless times to total strangers. But for some reason the question caught me off guard and it left me with a pit in my stomach wondering whether or not I knew the answer.

Please know that the authors of the blog pray for parents of discerning sons and daughters to find understanding and peace.