August 2015 – Seminarian Parents

August 26, 2015September 24, 2015 Pam Reflections

Objection Series: “I Will Never Have Grandchildren.”

As parents, you know that if your son becomes a priest it is a great gift to your family. But it also necessitates a sacrifice of the traditional dream of seeing your son happily married with children of his own.

I admit that this may be the toughest objection for any parent, especially if this is your only child.
I have read beautiful accounts of parents appreciating all the spiritual children that will come from their son’s vocation. The problem is you can’t take spiritual grandchildren to Disney World.

CNN produced the documentary “This is Life with Lisa Ling: Called to the Collar” about the increase in priestly vocations in rural Michigan. It is an unusually balanced documentary on this topic done with respect and an open attitude. You can watch the entire program HERE. When Lisa Ling asks about the issue of grandchildren, parents of twin sons who are both priests point out something obvious. “Even if he did marry, there is no guarantee that he and his wife would have children.”

I have 2 other children who I hope will marry and have children someday, so this one is not a big issue for me. If my seminarian son was an only child, it would be a very different story.

For parents in this situation, I think it would take a good amount of prayer and reflection to re-evaluate how you see your golden years. If you have been waiting to go to Disney World with grandchildren, then this may be God’s way of telling you He has something else in mind for you. This will be a discernment process of your own. The love and attention you would have spent on grandchildren can be spent in other ways that you will find satisfying.

Recently, our parish held a reception for a beloved pastor of over 10 years when he was transferred to another parish. Many parishioners were there to wish him well, thank him for his fatherly care and relay how he had touched their lives. His elderly mother was there with a few family members. Many people spoke to her about what a wonderful priest her son was and how grateful they were for his service to our parish. This went on for several hours to the point that she had to sit down to be able to speak to all the people. As a parent, this must have been an amazing experience to hear how her son touched so many lives and how much he was loved by the parish. divine_mercy_78_f_small

In dealing with this objection, it seems that parents need to let go of one dream and reach out for another which is not well defined today. Trust is an essential aspect of faith in this journey. To resolve this objection, you will need to rely heavily on trusting the Lord’s love and plan for your son and for you.

Repeat as needed: “Jesus, I Trust in You.”

Please know that the authors of this blog pray daily for parents of discerning sons and daughters to find understanding and peace.

August 8, 2015January 17, 2016 Pam Life Events

Objection Series: “He Will Have to Give Up So Much!” or Giving vs. Getting

Alright, can we just agree that every vocation has its difficult moments, challenges and rewards? You can’t compare one to another and say one is more difficult than the other. Perhaps it looks so difficult to you because you don’t have a realistic view of the day to day life of a priest. YouTube has many videos on “A Day in the Life of a Priest” Refer to the post HERE: Another Vision of the Future with reflections by a priest of 25 years.

I admit that one of my first gut reactions to my son’s announcement was the politically incorrect comment, “He doesn’t know what he is giving up!” My concept of being a priest meant you had to give up so much. My unconscious bias from childhood imprinted the idea that a priest’s life was full of sacrifice and suffering. (I will explain this in another post on exploring where your attitudes and biases originate.)

What helped me understand this objection was the idea of “giving up and getting”. Every vocation has its own aspects of things you are giving up and things you are getting. Although as parents, we don’t know the joys and sacrifices of being a priest, the same concepts apply to the vocations of marriage and parenthood.

If you have been married for any length of time, you know that marriage can be filled with sacrifice and suffering. When I got married, I knew that I was giving up every man in the entire world in ord bride and groom er to marry my husband. Did I see this as a sacrifice? No! I wanted to do it. I did it happily, whole heartedly, joyfully. Did I understand the full implications of those vows? At the time, I thought I did. But of course as the saying goes, you have to say “I do” every day, even when you don’t want to, even when it is hard to love. Did I fully know what that meant? No, no one does on your wedding day

When I got married, I knew I was giving up my financial independence because I wanted to make a life and a home with my husband. Was this a sacrifice? It didn’t seem so until I wanted a new pair of boots, but the car needed new tires.

unncomfortable pregnant woman

Parenthood has a significant amount of giving up. Giving up control of my body for 9 months of pregnancy and then
another year of breastfeeding was difficult, but I wanted to do it. The minute you see that little face, you know any sacrifice is worth loving this little person and watching them grow.

Parenthood has incredible bursts of joy on a daily basis, but the proportion of sacrifice and suffering is far greater. As a percentage, parenthood has far more times of fatigue, sacrifice, frustration, anxiety, and suffering than joy. Do I regret all the sacrifices and struggles of parenthood? Absolutely not! The sacrifice is part of the nature of being a parent and makes you cherish the times of joy. If I only focused on all the things I was giving up as a parent, I would have missed the everyday joys and the big picture of the vocation of parenthood.

Realize that no matter what a young man gives up to be a priest, he will be getting his own set of joys to cherish that we will never be able to fully comprehend.

Please know that the authors of this blog pray daily for parents of discerning sons and daughters to find understanding and peace.

August 3, 2015August 4, 2015 kevinleec Seminary

A Proper Reason?

There have been a number of reports of a surge in vocations for priests and other religious. The Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) reported that an estimated 595 priestly ordinations in the U.S. in 2015. That’s a 25% increase over 2014. That’s a good growth no matter how you slice it.

Naturally, when people hear about the increase they tend to wonder what’s up. Dominican brother Dominic Bouck, O.P. has certainly heard the questions. In a recent blog post he says:

One thing that I’ve heard from several people when I mention the surge in Dominican vocations (and the surge of many dioceses and orders male and female) is “Oh, it must be the recession.”

That’s a natural reaction — particularly for us in America who tend to evaluate a person’s success in terms of professional or material accomplishments. It also has a whiff of “well, he can’t make it in the real world so he’s going to retreat into religious life.” Except, as Dominic explains, those perceptions are completely wrong.

Truly, I have not met one religious who set aside marital joys, self-determination, and wealth because he or she couldn’t find a job.The man who sets aside his personal dreams to more perfectly subject himself to God is not primarily saying “no” to the world, but saying “yes” to a renewed life with God … there are over fifty of us studying for the priesthood or preparing to live life as a consecrated brother, about to be joined by fifteen more on July 25.

Among those roughly 75 men are lawyers, a medical doctor, a congressional staffer, professional musicians, a radio host, several PhDs and professors, a particle physicist from Stanford, a former Google employee, a dean of admissions at a medical school, Ivy Leaguers, Golden Domers, and more who were successful in the world, but sought a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ and his Church, and desired to serve his people.

A similar phenomenon is taking place among religious sisters. Another CARA report (cited as part of the Global Sisters Report) points out that the age of women professing final vows is creeping upward.

In 2010, 47 percent of women professing final vows were aged 40 to 59. Another 26 percent were between 30 and 39. The median age for the class was 44.

Those numbers have steadily changed in the years since, reflecting an increase among younger women: By the class of 2014, only 27 percent of women taking final vows were aged 40 to 59 and those younger than 30 had increased from 18 percent to 25 percent. The median age of the class had dropped to 35.

But 75 percent of the class was still 30 or older.

The report tells the story of Marie Racine.

Marie Racine was well established, a software engineer for 17 years, when something happened.

“We had a meeting, and all of the sudden when they introduced the new projects, I just wasn’t interested anymore,” Racine said. “It just no longer mattered to me.”

That awareness propelled Racine onto a new path — and into an emerging trend about women committing to religious life: Racine entered a Benedictine monastery the day before her 40th birthday and made her final vows seven years later, in 2007.

All of this is consistent with what I’ve seen among the Paulists. Among the students and priests in the Paulist Community we’ve met Financial Advisors, Mechanical Engineers, Park Rangers, and an actor. Some of them entered formation after they had established themselves in “respectable” careers and (to a worldly point of view) were on a successful path. Yet, for all of them, God’s call drew them into a new venture which allowed them to use their gifts in service of the Faith.

When you’re looking at your son or daughter who is in discernment and you’re wondering what’s going on with them — set aside your notions of success and consider the work that God may be doing in their life.

— Dad of Evan

August 2, 2015August 3, 2015 Pam Questions, Seminary, Spirituality

A Series of Objections

I will be posting a series on common objections parents have surrounding a son’s interest in discerning a vocation to priesthood or religious life. I will take one objection and go deeper on the topic. Some of these objections are things you may have already discussed with your son, while others may be too embarrassing or politically incorrect to say aloud or even admit to yourself.

I hope to pull back the curtain on these concerns and help parents reflect on why they may have these objections. Understanding the reality behind an objection with concrete and accurate information can help you gain some perspective on the concern.

In a critique of Fr. Brett Brannen’s book: A Priest in the Family, the reviewer acknowledges that the concerns of parents are legitimate:

…he [Fr. Brannen] explains priesthood, seminary, celibacy, and how a man discerns his vocation—all while keeping in mind parents’ legitimate concerns.

I found this very comforting when I read that. I am not being unreasonable or reactionary in my concerns. They are legitimate and deserve respect, information and time to address.

Every one of the objections below is addressed in either one of Fr. Brett Brannen’s books: To Save a Thousand Souls or A Priest in the Family. These books give good basic information along with stories of how seminarians and their families handled common objections. These books are introduced in the post HERE: 5 Myths and Facts about Discernment or Isn’t there a book about this somewhere?

I plan to blog on each of these objections over the next few weeks, but from a mother’s point of view. Some of these objections did come out of my mouth early on as I struggled to understand. I will own up to which ones I did say or at least think and how I dealt with them.

Objections:
• How can you know what you are giving up when you haven’t even lived yet? You are so young, you don’t know what this means

• What if he is falsely accused? People will be suspicious of him. He will always be under a microscope. People are so critical of priests.

• It’s such a hard life

• He will be lonely

• He will be so overworked

• I just want him to be happy! Part 1: What is happy anyway?

• I just want him to be happy Part 2: Where do my objections come from? Why do I feel so strongly about this? Why am I so angry, frustrated, or emotional about this?

• How/Why did this happen in our family? We aren’t even that religious.

• How can this be real when it has happened so fast: See the post This is just a phase or I don’t want another trumpet in the attic HERE

• What will _____________ think or say?

• I will never see him, especially on holidays

• I will never have grandchildren

If you have an objection or concern that is not addressed here, just leave a comment and we will address it.

Please know that the authors of this blog pray daily of the parents of discerning sons and daughters to find peace and understanding.

August 2, 2015October 3, 2015 Pam Reflections

Meet the Parents

Every summer our diocese has a picnic for seminarians and their families. Unfortunately, our son was so sick last summer that he could not attend. Since it was our first year, we did not want to go without him. Looking back, we should have gone just to be able to meet the parents and siblings of other seminarians and see how “normal” they were.

Some catholic parents have been encouraging a religious vocation since infancy and would greet the news with great joy and satisfaction. Others, like my husband and I, did the best we could to raise our children with a strong faith and respect for priests, but never really thought one of our sons would enter seminary. Sure it was an option, but when we would mention it to our boys, they would laugh and say, ”No way is that going to happen Mom.”

I would have been happy if he just married a nice catholic girl. I guess I always assumed that seminarians came from families who were a lot more focused on vocations and more attentive to devotions like the rosary, daily mass and family prayer. We did none of these. Beyond grace at meals and bedtime prayers when they were small, the best I can say our family did was to pray the Divine Mercy novena from Good Friday to Divine Mercy Sunday. Mass every Sunday was a given even on vacation and when they went to camp. As a mother, I do take great pride every year in getting all 3 kids as teens and young adults to mass 4 times between 4th Sunday of Advent and the Sunday after New Year’s, all the while hearing “…but we just went to mass!”

It was several months into the first year of college seminary when I tracked down the name of another mother of a seminarian in our diocese. We met for lunch and found we had a lot of experiences in common wading into the unknown
waters of sending a son to seminary. Her son is 3 years ahead of mine, so she gave me good information and insights about what is ahead. Several months later, I met another seminarian mother. Again, we had lots in common regarding questions, experiences and feelings. We both wished we could have spoken earlier to another mother of a seminarian. She said “I wish I could have asked another mother, ‘How many pairs of black pants should I send with him?’. Mothers are practical as well as a little emotional when it comes to their seminarian sons. It is hard to hold on and let go at the same time.

If you would like to speak to a parent of a seminarian in your diocese or religious order, please contact the vocation director and ask for a contact. There are some things that only a parent can understand from a parent who has been there.

Please know that the contributing authors on this blog pray daily for parents of discerning sons and daughters to find peace and understanding.

August 2, 2015October 18, 2015 Pam Life Events, Reflections

Do You Remember the Day You Became a Vocation Director?

Our parish does infant baptism on the first Sunday of the month. So today after the noon mass there were 6 babies and a large number of friends and relatives in attendance. I didn’t think any more about this until I read the article below and remembered the day my seminarian son was baptized. Do you remember that day long ago when you brought your child to church to be baptized?

Of all my children, I know the exact date of my son’s baptism because it was Christmas Eve 1995. That year, December 24 was a snowy Sunday. With relatives in for the holiday, it was the perfect time to have him baptized. Having a new baby at Christmas is so special because everything revolves around baby Jesus. Holding my son in my arms, he was the perfect baby as he slept so peacefully just like baby Jesus in the Christmas carols. I remember the lovely smell of the chrism which lasted for days on his little head.

On the day of your child’s baptism, you make solemn promises to raise him in the faith that are a joy to make. Just as on your wedding day, it is a joy to say your marriage vows. But, you really don’t know how hard those vows are until you have to live them out. When your child is small, hearing his prayers at bedtime and reading bible stories can be a joy. But paying for catholic school tuition or getting a child to religious education classes can be struggle.

This article has been edited to focus on the promises of baptism by the parents to take on the role as the child’s first vocation director in the domestic church of their own home.

Children’s First Vocation Directors – Their Parents

Rev.Michael L.Griffin 6/24/2009 (www.sfcatholic.org/communication/bulletin.aspx)

Sioux Falls, South Dakota (Bishop’s Bulletin) – Many years ago I had the opportunity to speak with a priest who had quite a reputation as a vocations director. While we sat at lunch a few of us younger priests and seminarians began to ask him what he did to bring about so many vocations.

He said he always spoke about vocations during the celebration of baptism. He always reminded the parents and Godparents that Christ was giving this child a vocation, right there, right at this moment of new life in baptism. He said he invited those present to rejoice in this vocation, whatever it might be.

One of us asked, “Do the parents appreciate that?”
His response was simple and interesting, “They do at that moment, I just hope they do later.”

I was a little taken aback by the question and the response. It had not occurred to me that any parents would not be proud and pleased in their children as they grow up and embrace the life God gives to them.

I have come to discover that there are parents who will sometimes actively stand in the way of their son or daughter as they explore the possibility of serving Christ, their brothers and sisters, the Church, as a priest, religious sister or brother.

I have sat with young men and women who have cried as they spoke about the pain they feel in their hearts because one of their parents refuses to allow them to be open to the possibility.

I would imagine if I had the chance to ask why, the parent would have their reasons…

These parents stood at the [Baptismal] font of new life and promised to raise their child in the faith. This they did embracing their child as a gift and recognizing their role in guiding and blessing the child’s life, but also recognizing that the child’s life is not theirs. This is a profound and amazing relationship, and a source of blessing to all when embraced in love by parent and child.

In this powerful relationship, the voice of God and the gift of His call are given to be nourished and revealed.

It is a hope that if children are called to the Sacrament of Marriage, that they see this vocation lived with love and joy by their parents, and the couples they see around them at Mass.

It is a hope that if children are called to the priesthood or religious life, that they would see the joy of these vocations lived out around them in their parish life, but also come to appreciate the gift of self-offering and the gift of love within their home. [emphasis added]

Each night, as parents bless their children, each day as they teach them to pray and to listen and to grow, the voice of God becomes clearer, more easily heard. That voice might call them to enter the Church as a bride or groom, or as a religious, or as priest, but the first steps are taken in the domestic Church, in the home.

…We are all called to be vocations directors, but in a powerful way, parents are the first, and greatest of all vocations directors. This is both a challenge and a glorious gift.